As many of you will have picked up on in the past and recently with the odd mention of it here, I have PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder). Then there is always the off hand comment about some OCD (Obsessive Compulsive Disorder) issues. I have never really elaborated here what my OCD issues really are. Why? Because more than anything else in my life when I talk about this issue it really does make feel NUTS, I mean really, really NUTS.
You see my OCD problems aren't what most people assume they are like having the overwhelming urge to have things clean and in order. Nah that's not me. My OCD issues are based in having ritualistic type thoughts that if I don't fulfill x, y,z message/action that my brain is telling me to do the result will be that bad things will happen.....to put in very basic terms for you.
I'm going to back track a little to explain how I discovered and was later diagnosed with this problem. Coming up four years ago now after I lost Elle and Meg, I read and article in a magazine about OCD I was sitting at my then work lunch table. It followed three different peoples stories with the disorder. One women's story talked about how she would have ritualistic thoughts like if she drove past a funeral home it meant that someone she cared about would die. She would then need to fulfil a counter thought/ritual to prevent that belief from coming true......again to put it basic terms for you.
I read the article and felt sick to my stomach because this story felt like me, it felt like I had been given an answer for something I had crazy thoughts about all my life even as a kid. I copied the article and hid it away for weeks trying to build up the courage to talk to Ben about it and hope that he wouldn't think I was a complete LOON in the process. I needn't of worried about Ben but he was insistent that I talk further with our grief counsellor at the time about the article and my behaviours, which at that point time only served as a temporary measure for this thought process and behaviours when they happened.
So fast forward through, Cohen's birth, two further miscarriages and Sarah's pregnancy, I had a sever spike in ritualistic thoughts and behaviours. For example my brain would tell me I couldn't wear red because it was the colour of blood and if I wore it whilst pregnant it would signify and mean something bad would happen to me but more so and primarily my baby. So not to tempt fate (that's my thought process) I would give in to these thoughts which sometimes resulted in me purging my wardrobe of anything red. Crazy, I know (I like red)! It's my crazy, my minds way of coping during peaks and spikes in emotionally difficult or turbulent times. But that's just a small, small example of the messages my brain sends me at these times, it has been much, much worse in the past.
Since my PTSD diagnoses and me coming clean with my regular psych about two years ago about these OCD thoughts. It's been a lot better managed, I can identify a spike in these stresses, I'm ahead of it rather already in the mix of these thoughts (well most of the time). However as I've recently mentioned some recent stresses and triggers have got ahead if me and I've lost my grip a bit in being ahead of this talk in my head. It gets louder with more stress and lack of sleep. I'm only starting to understand my OCD more now and where emotions for these behaviours stem from or are rooted in. After a recent session with my psych I have the logical and aware understanding that I give into these thoughts when my emotional stamina is low. So I need to work on keeping that in check. I also understand in an aware mind, that my thoughts are nearly always about the end result being something happening to my kids. The stem and trigger of that is clearly the traumatic events surrounding the loss of Elle and Meg.
There you go my confessional about something I really HATE talking about even to my psych. Why I have I decided now to share more of this with you all? Well I know there are readers here who have their own battles with the disorder or other mental health issues. I hope to offer strength and encouragement in sharing this with those readers and others in time who will come to visit us and join us. Although I may have my struggles one thing I know for sure through my ups, downs, dark days and bright days........things can and will always get better by sharing and accessing appropriate support. So please if you find yourself trapped and in darkness, get help, find your light and your bliss. Life is too short to live trapped by these and similar disorders.
See there you go, I hard post to share. I shall slink off now and probably feel totally cuckoo and nuts that I've put this out there now. Either way much love to all those that read. Thank you.
X
You see my OCD problems aren't what most people assume they are like having the overwhelming urge to have things clean and in order. Nah that's not me. My OCD issues are based in having ritualistic type thoughts that if I don't fulfill x, y,z message/action that my brain is telling me to do the result will be that bad things will happen.....to put in very basic terms for you.
I'm going to back track a little to explain how I discovered and was later diagnosed with this problem. Coming up four years ago now after I lost Elle and Meg, I read and article in a magazine about OCD I was sitting at my then work lunch table. It followed three different peoples stories with the disorder. One women's story talked about how she would have ritualistic thoughts like if she drove past a funeral home it meant that someone she cared about would die. She would then need to fulfil a counter thought/ritual to prevent that belief from coming true......again to put it basic terms for you.
I read the article and felt sick to my stomach because this story felt like me, it felt like I had been given an answer for something I had crazy thoughts about all my life even as a kid. I copied the article and hid it away for weeks trying to build up the courage to talk to Ben about it and hope that he wouldn't think I was a complete LOON in the process. I needn't of worried about Ben but he was insistent that I talk further with our grief counsellor at the time about the article and my behaviours, which at that point time only served as a temporary measure for this thought process and behaviours when they happened.
So fast forward through, Cohen's birth, two further miscarriages and Sarah's pregnancy, I had a sever spike in ritualistic thoughts and behaviours. For example my brain would tell me I couldn't wear red because it was the colour of blood and if I wore it whilst pregnant it would signify and mean something bad would happen to me but more so and primarily my baby. So not to tempt fate (that's my thought process) I would give in to these thoughts which sometimes resulted in me purging my wardrobe of anything red. Crazy, I know (I like red)! It's my crazy, my minds way of coping during peaks and spikes in emotionally difficult or turbulent times. But that's just a small, small example of the messages my brain sends me at these times, it has been much, much worse in the past.
Since my PTSD diagnoses and me coming clean with my regular psych about two years ago about these OCD thoughts. It's been a lot better managed, I can identify a spike in these stresses, I'm ahead of it rather already in the mix of these thoughts (well most of the time). However as I've recently mentioned some recent stresses and triggers have got ahead if me and I've lost my grip a bit in being ahead of this talk in my head. It gets louder with more stress and lack of sleep. I'm only starting to understand my OCD more now and where emotions for these behaviours stem from or are rooted in. After a recent session with my psych I have the logical and aware understanding that I give into these thoughts when my emotional stamina is low. So I need to work on keeping that in check. I also understand in an aware mind, that my thoughts are nearly always about the end result being something happening to my kids. The stem and trigger of that is clearly the traumatic events surrounding the loss of Elle and Meg.
There you go my confessional about something I really HATE talking about even to my psych. Why I have I decided now to share more of this with you all? Well I know there are readers here who have their own battles with the disorder or other mental health issues. I hope to offer strength and encouragement in sharing this with those readers and others in time who will come to visit us and join us. Although I may have my struggles one thing I know for sure through my ups, downs, dark days and bright days........things can and will always get better by sharing and accessing appropriate support. So please if you find yourself trapped and in darkness, get help, find your light and your bliss. Life is too short to live trapped by these and similar disorders.
See there you go, I hard post to share. I shall slink off now and probably feel totally cuckoo and nuts that I've put this out there now. Either way much love to all those that read. Thank you.
X
